Monday, June 12, 2006

Nor Iron Bars a Cage

I could handle serving and teaching where I'm at, and have contentedly for quite a while now, as long as I felt I was doing what I was supposed to in the In-Between-Time. I can always tell when it's right. I get that satisfaction and sense of fulfillment, a sense that I'm making a difference and really helping people. Lately it hasn't been feeling quite right. Lately it's feeling like a job...a job you don't like...like a cage.

I feel like I'm on call 24-7. I don't get paid for my services, and I wouldn't have it any other way...but it seems like I'm just spinning my wheels. I'm expected to quit doing one of the main things I'm called to and do others that I don't really feel I should be doing. Also, in the space of 4 years through a regime change I've gone from being too young to be in the mainstream to too old. What to do? Give up? Find another place to serve? If it were only that easy. If that 'still small voice' said it was time to go somewhere else that would be great but it isn't saying that. Fact is that voice has been kind of silent on the subject lately. Guess that's why I'm banging my head against the wall here to see what shakes out.

Sometimes it stinks to have a passion that you can't always engage in during working hours...in other words you don't get paid for your passion (RUSS, you know what I'm talking about). Some people are lucky enough that their passion pays the bills: the professional writer, the pro athlete, the minister...their passion is their job. Although I have always been a confirmed computer geek and tech junky (I've talked about my life-saving career change before) computers aren't my reason for living. I have been very fortunate to be able to make a living related to my love for technology and use that to help with life purpose #1 but sometimes #1 gets pretty darn rude with #2 and #3 and demands all my attention. When that happens #1 has to learn that it can't have it all unless it wants to put me in the category of the pro writer-athlete-minister. Then #1 and #3 would be the same and #2 would be allot more understanding. (Here is an explanation of the 3 main purposes of my life

Mind you it's not the One who called me to the first purpose who causes these conflicts, it's the ones associated with #1, some who make their living at their passion but don't want to put in any 'overtime' to get something done and expect me and a host of others like me to pick up their slack. I don't really mind until the conflicts start, then my attitude gets really poor towards all of them and I feel like someone is trying to put me in a cage. I feel trapped...like I'm a prisoner. That's how I've been feeling the last 2 or 3 years. I've been a prisoner before and I won't do it again. I'll do whatever it takes to break out. If that means fleeing it all and going to the Appointed Place, so be it and hang the rest. A person can only take so much crap from any one source and when you combine 2 or 3 sources, well...

"You wired me awake
And hit me with a hand of broken nails
You tied my lead and pulled my chain
To watch my blood begin to boil

But I'm gonna break
I'm gonna break my
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run"

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2 Comments:

Blogger R2K said...

: )

4:22 PM, June 12, 2006  
Anonymous russ said...

sometimes, when it is slow at work, i get paid to write

that is heaven

9:36 AM, June 13, 2006  

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