Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Acts 9:5 " is hard for thee to kick against the pricks."

It's been a roller coaster 3-4 weeks. It started on Sunday 2-25. I began feeling pain in the upper abdomen, like if you swallow a bubble, but the pain never let up and grew worse with time. I only got about an hour of sleep that night...and the next...and the next. My wife sent me to the doctor. I hadn't been in almost 2 years because my old doc didn't take the new insurance my work switched to and I put off finding a new doc.

The new doc drew blood for tests and set me up to come back for a complete physical. In the mean time she gave me something for the stomach pain and within a day it was completely gone. When I returned on the 5th I found that most of my test readings were way out of whack. She sent me for a stress test on the 8th as part of the physical.

Went for the stress test feeling good. They wired me, took readings, disappeared, then the cardiologist came in with a frown and began giving me the 3rd degree: how was I was feeling? any pain or tightness? I felt fine. This didn't concern me as I've had a heart murmur since birth that's scared, confounded, and confused nurses and doctors & caused screwy EKGs for years. They fired up the rat-race-machine and off I went, all the way to the end of the test. 10 minutes later, still wired up, Doc came in and again quizzed me about how I felt. Seemed puzzled I wasn't in pain. He then informed me that he didn't like the EKG and was sending me to the hospital. I thought 'I'm too young for this.' and said "You're joking, right?"

He wasn't joking. Within the hour I was in the hospital. 48 hours and an angioplasty later I was released with no restrictions and instructions to hit the trail walking/running/cycling. I was amazed how much better I felt. I didn't realize how short of breath I had been last few months. Apparently they caught this just in of those 'lucky coincidences'...being in the 'right place at the right time'...right. I don't believe in that stuff. I know Who's in charge.

This was a wake up call. I know what I need to do but the problem is inspiration. The last couple of years things around me got screwed up. I felt like I was in the eye of a storm. I suffered a loss of hope as someone shut the door on what I thought was my life-purpose. Since then, strange as it may seem, I've battled indifference...sometimes I just don't care what happens. Mind you, it's not a death wish, but occasionally I've had a don't-give-a-sh*t-if-I-live wish. I know in my heart it's worth fighting for as long as there's purpose to life. So, now I have to find His purpose for me again...regardless of what other's think.

These days I find myself asking earnestly: "So, what am I going to do with this life You've given me? What am I going to do with these days You've ordained?" I know His purpose is still there or I wouldn't still be here, but right now the communication lines are silent. So, I sit and wait...and listen.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the "don't-give-a-sh*t-if-I-live wish" more days than not. I've been waiting and listening for a long time now. But I'm not the best listener.

1:06 PM, March 21, 2007  

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