Monday, May 15, 2006

Down To A Sunless Sea

When my brother died the world stopped. He was the oldest. He was the smartest. This wasn't supposed to happen for at least 40 years or so. Mom was supposed to go first (her words, not mine). We were lost...I was lost. I tried to do the the stuff. So did Mom and Beauty. Once Mom said 'we should probably just give up since he's gone and get out of it'. For some reason I said 'I don't care if hell freezes over I'm not going to give the devil the satisfaction.' He had gotten brother...had taken his life through the alcohol but not his spirit...that was comfortably at home...he wasn't going to get The Business. At this point in time we were REALLY struggling to make ends meet.

But, like a few years earlier with Dad, I was lucky. I didn't blame God for any of this. I realized it wasn't God that pushed my brother to grow all we could, to get obligated to the hilt, to get all the "stuff" he could (and when that wasn't enough to abandon can figure out who I'm talking about). I realized it wasn't God that put the booze in his hand. That choice was his...but, maybe not all the other choices were his. I know who I point the finger at and it wasn't at God.

During this time I did deal with some anger 'issues' of my own: how DARE he do this. How DARE he leave me here alone. HE was supposed to be here to help me run the Family Business. HE was supposed to be here to help me handle Mom (who, after 10 years, was still grieving after Dad...who was still supposed to be here too by-the-way). Brother possessed the gift of foresight and the financial skills to grow the business while I was able to realte to and work with people (one of his extreme weaknesses). I couldn't help it. I was mad at him. He had shuffled up the normal order of things. Beauty realized this too. So did Mom. It wasn't the best of times in so many ways for any of us.

But, in other ways we learned so much. Just like when Dad died we learned we could get by in extreme circumstances. We realized that no one was irreplaceable. I realized that there's nothing wrong with stopping work at 5:45 because the sun is setting and everyone needs to get out and watch it set. I learned that there are other things to do on Sunday afternoons besides watch some idiots ruin the Dallas Cowboys. I learned that I had a family that loved me and I loved and that they meant more to me than I realized. (back to that old 'who we love and who loves us' thing).

So during this tough time we all did allot of growing and learning. Eventually we hit the bottom, spiritually and realistically. We realized spiritually that it was all between each of us individually and wasn't a group project. Realistically we realized that money...the business...wasn't everything. It had taken enough time and cost our dearest blood but we realized it.

About this time Mom realized something was wrong with her. Within 2 1/2 years of Brother's death she had sugury to remove a cancerous kidney and died shortly after.

The hits just kept on coming.



Anonymous russ said...

So are you still in commant of The Business? Is it what you want to do?

9:20 AM, May 17, 2006  
Blogger Beast1624 said...

Sorry for the delay...couldn't was down. I'm getting to that one.

12:46 AM, May 18, 2006  

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